Like one day I was walking down the street and this guy says to me, "Hey girl, I just met you and all, but maybe I can get your phone number", and I says to the guy, blueberries?

A man walks into a bar. He has a few drinks with his friends and then takes a taxi home, has consensual sex with his wife, and goes to bed.

Both of these made me laugh! :D
Good job!

Wife is sleeping and feels something poking in her back, she turns to her husband and says, "did you take out the garbage".

What did A say to B?

C.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Burger King.

How deep is the sky?
Purple.

Two pigs were sitting in the bath tub. The first pig looks at the other and says, "Will you pass me the soap?" The second pig turns to the first and replies, "What do I look like, a toaster?"

@jerm: you made me forget my next one lol

Guy A to Guy B: Why do you pull your pants down when you pee?
Guy B: Because dick.

Once upon a time there was a sea captain who came home to see his wife after a long trip. His wife had a surprise for him. It was a new jacket! He loved it so, and he loved his wife oh so much more. They had loving sex that night. The next day he found that his ship had sunk in the harbor. It turns out his wife had AIDs.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. His alcoholism is tearing his family apart.

@GrogMalBlood: dun dun dunnnnn

Guy a: how many times does the sun rotate around the earth?
Guy b: incest

Master to maid: give the floor a good polish.
Maid: bend over

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says "what is this, some kind of joke?"

Girl a: Have you ever seen River Dance.
Girl b: No, but I've seen a pigs fly

A guy walks into a bar.

@Anonymous: ouch!

Girl, you were born to lose.
At least I'm not a failure.

One time i found a phone number on the ground in the grocery store. I was curious of what it might be for. I called it and it turns out to be a sex chat line. I heard a woman's voice on the other end. She asked me how I liked my eggs cooked. I said, "How I like my women, scrambled and drenched in hot sauce"

I bet you think thats the punch line. Its snot.

A Buddhist monk grew weary of the constant meditation he had to do in his monastery in Nepal. He had done the same routine for years, but with very little progress. So he decided to travel the world in search of new spiritual techniques to try, and what better city to go to first than New York City, one of the most important cities in the world? The moment he got off the plane and stepped into the city was chaos. There were people everywhere, there was constant noise and bustle, there were advertisements flashing everywhere around him. He was quickly thrown into the street and carried around aimlessly around the city, his mind as chaotic as the busy streets around him. But then he spotted something that was to his mind incredible: a man standing behind a table, not moving. It was as if he knew the secret to mastering this city and finding peace within chaos. The Buddhist monk was drawn to him. It was actually a man standing behind a hotdog standing trying to sell something to passers-by. The monk eagerly ran up to the stand, but he couldn't speak english so he just walked away after a few minutes.

(real punchline: The monk eagerly ran up to the stand and said, "make me one with everything!")

@TmsT: nice armpit sweat

Two African American gentlemen walked into a bar. The bartender served them drinks, they paid in full what they owed, and left the building without causing a scene. All-in-all they had a quite pleasant experience and were well respected citizens of the city they lived in.

@GrogMalBlood: what is it?

A guy and a girl go on a date. On the date the girl has a little too much to drink. Being a nice young man, he takes her back to her place and helps her to bed. Then he heads home. The next day he calls her to make sure she's alright.

A Rabbi, a Catholic priest and a nuclear physicist were waiting for a bus when it began to rain. The Rabbi pulled out an umbrella and opened it. The priest unfolded a raincoat and put it on. The nuclear physicist held a newspaper above his head. But their actions were all in vain as they were eaten by a passing gang of chimpanzees. This is because all three of them were actually bananas the whole time; I tricked you into thinking they were a Rabbi and a priest and a physicist using my powers of hypnotism.

@GrogMalBlood: your fired!

@Anonymous: HA HAHAHA THAT IS SO TRUE

@JaneSmith: my fired?

@Anonymous: Best comedy is true comedy.

One day, teacher was talking to her students about the big day when they were going to be taught about the birds and the bees.

Dirty Johnny pipes up, "Hey Teacher! I've got a question for ya!"

The teacher responds, "Johnny, you didn't raise your hand and just blurted out the question without any consideration for the rest of the class. Please go stand in the corner."

@Anonymous: It ain't always funny though.

Why did the chicken cross the road? It didn't. It got ran over halfway.

What's long and hard and has a pink tip. A penis.

@Draconis: pink? really? is it real?

Take my wife, she's no good to me dead.

@JaneSmith: Ok, you got me, it's prosthetic.

@Draconis: That's terrible!

Was it okay? Did someone take it to the vet?

@Draconis: You've either been watching some pretty messed up porn or you should go see a doctor. Thats disgusting.

Knock knock,
who's there?
It's me.
Oh, ok.

@Draconis: like one of those pump up ones you can make any size you want? Does it make a farting sound when it gets deflated? or ejaculated? does it have an eject button in case of an emergency?